Career Coach's blog

Good Afternoon!

It is my pleasure to have been selected as the career coach du jour for the month of August. I am excited to share with you some information, and in some cases my musings about the career planning process, including resume and cover letter information, and the use of social media.

I readily share information via Twitter, LinkedIN, and my own blog at resumesdonewrite.com. I truly enjoy working with job seekers and make myself available for questions. I realize how challenging it can be to search for work - sometimes it feels like you are 'looking for a needle in a giant haystack'.

It is my hope that through sharing information with you through the womenworking forum that you will gain insight, information, inspiration, and even help!

I will be submitting articles here two or three times a week during the month of August; and I look forward to engaging with you.

Here's to your career success!

Cheers!

Debra Wheatman, CPRW, CPCC

dwheatman [at] resumesdonewrite [dot] com

Last Saturday my wife and I were in Sedona AZ.  While in one of the shops we chatted with the owner, who moved to Sedona from New Jersey.  She was an interesting woman who was very knowledgeable about massage.  As we walked away from the store my wife said to me, “I wonder what her story is? Why did she move here?”  I responded by saying, “Based on our conversation, my intuition is that she doesn’t know her real story.  If you asked her what her ‘story’ was, she would give you a fictional version of what is going on in her life.  Most people have learned not to tell the non-fiction story of their life.” 

 

Is the story you tell yourself and others about your life fiction or non-fiction? Here are some questions you can ask yourself to determine which type of story you are living.   Is the story based on fears learned early in life that discounts your talents?  In your story is your life the result of what others have done to you?  Is drama something that seems to frequently seek you out?  Is there an ache in your soul to do what you really love which leads you to repeat “One of these days I am going ___?  Are you always running on adrenaline?  Are you the victim in your story?

 

If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, you are living a fictional life based on fear based life-controlling patterns.  Your fictional story seldom has a wonderful outcome. During most of the story you are probably trying to please others and make them happy.  More often than not the story develops into a tragedy that ends with your music still in you when your life ends. 

 

It is time to write a new story that is a non-fictional best seller.  In the non-fictional version of your story, you are the hero and your talents are being fully utilized.  This causes you to be peacefully supercharged and fully tapped into the Universal energy that is available when you are living your mission.  In your non-fictional version of your story you are frequently being sought out for your wisdom and ability to inspire others.  The non-fictional version has a spectacular ending where you are describing your life and proclaiming with your last breath, “Wow what a ride!”

 

We are always telling our story to ourselves and others in many different ways.  Most often we just share short bits of our story at a time.  I encourage you to pay attention to the nature of the story you are telling.  Is the story fictional, full of drama and personal underutilization? Or is it non-fiction based on the truth of you being you in all of your radiant wonderfulness?  If it is not the story you want, you can change it. 

 

Words have power, carefully choose and express the ones that match the ‘real you’.

 

Did you know that smiling changes your physiology instantaneously?  A simple smile is an easy way to alter what you are feeling and experiencing in life.  Let’s try an experiment.  Get a slight smile on your face and hold it for ten seconds.  Notice what happens inside of you as the ten seconds tick by.  If you are like me you will feel lightness and a letting go of stress.  Some people find that the slight smile quickly turns into a huge grin.  They just can’t help it. 

 

In a world full of pressure and anxiety, the smile can provide a brief respite. 

 

Facts about Smiling

 

1.  A smile is a universal expression of happiness and recognized as such by all cultures.

 

2.  A smile is the most frequently used facial expression It takes as few as five pairs of facial muscles and as many as all 53 to smile.

 

3.   Regardless of the precise number of muscles used, smiling causes far fewer muscles to contract and expand than frowning.

 

4.  Smiling releases endorphins and makes us feel better.

 

5.  Even ‘faking’ a smile can lead to feeling happier.

 

6.  People are born with the ability to smile (They don’t copy the expression, even babies who are born blind, smile).

 

7.  Babies reserve special smiles (Duchenne smiles of joy and happiness) for their loved ones.

 

8.  A newborn shows a preference for a smiling face over a non-smiling face.

 

9.  Women smile more than men.

 

10. Younger people smile more than older people. American males with high testosterone smile least of all.

 

11. There are 18 different kinds of smile used in a variety of social situations.

 

12.  Human beings can differentiate between the ‘felt’ (Duchenne) smile (of joy and happiness) and the social smile – ‘it’s in the eyes’ (literally).

 

13.  A smiling person is judged to be more pleasant, attractive, sincere, sociable, and competent than a non-smiling person.

 

14.  A person who studies laughter is called a ‘gelotologist’.

From Raisingkids.com

                                            . 

What a powerful thing the smile is.  And it is FREE!

 

“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”                         Thich Nhat Hanh 

 

Combine the smile with an affirmative declaration and you have a formula for changing your energy and then changing your life. 

 

Are you taking advantage of all of the things a simple smile can do for you?

 

 

Today there is a high value placed on multi-tasking and constantly monitoring all of your various forms of electronic communication from both home and work.  It is high stress all day every day.  At the same time anyone in management in a company is being told they have to be a better listener.  It is not just quantity of time you spend listening, it is the quality of that time, you are told that counts.  You have attended all of the seminars and learned lots of ‘techniques’ for focusing on the other person, yet you know that you are not really connecting with others.  You are too busy putting out fires to really listen. 

 

The problem is that all of the training works on the head and great listening is really a heart issue. 

 

That is true whether you are listening to your kids or your employees or your manager.  Viktor Frankl suggested in his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, that between stimulus and response there is a gap and in that gap is where all of the opportunities for your freedom and power exist. When your conscious mind is in a state of high alert/tension, there is no gap between stimulus and response.  The possibilities that we perceive are few if any.  Tension causes the age old fight or flight mechanism to kick in.  Blood flows to your major muscle groups, not your brain.  Our processing of information is hampered not enhanced when we are always multi-tasking and under pressure.  Small or no gap between stimulus and response means you have a limited ability to focus on others.

 

If you are forming your response and/or defense before the other person gets done talking to you, you know that there is no gap between stimulus and response.  Your brain is on autopilot and you are about to not hear all of what is being said and most certainly you will miss what is the emotion behind the words.  Great listeners hear all of the words and all of the meaning behind the words.  The quality of your listening is a function of how well you hear and feel all of what is being communicated.  

 

I suggest that you learn to put a gap between stimulus and response.  Not a large gap, just a small one.    Shift your focus from your head to your heart.  Do that by becoming aware of your tension, choosing to slow it down for a minute or two.  Instead of listening for how you can fix the other person, listen from your heart for the other person’s greatness and talents.  Create a gap where you look straight from your heart to their eyes.  The connection will occur and the quality of your listening will go up.  

 

Put several post-it notes around home and work that state – Stimulus  Gap   Response.  They will be your reminder to not blurt out an answer when what your child, your spouse or your employees want is your heart. 

 

Quick, when you read the title, what were your first thoughts and emotions?  For me whenever I hear the words sand box I picture the one I had as kid and I always associate it with fun. 

 

Not long ago I was leading a teleclass for small business owners and the topic was creativity.  From somewhere I got the wild idea that it would be great if everyone could remember how creative they were as children.  I decided to use a game I played as a kid.  I asked everyone to imagine that they were kids again playing in a ‘sand box’.   To kick-off the game I said, “I have a car that goes 200 mph.”  With some gentle prodding of the group, one of the participants remembered how the game used to go and hesitantly, “I have a car that goes 300 mph.”  Then someone said excitedly, “My car flies.”   Which was immediately followed by an exclamation that,” My car flies and it can go to the moon.”  Before the word ‘moon’ was even completed, someone blurted, “I have car that goes all the way to Mars.”  

 

After playing for just a few minutes everyone was laughing and any inhibitions they had about the game were gone.  Very quickly and with only a small amount of encouragement, everyone’s imagination was running wild.  The creativity of children was flowing through them. 

 

I hesitated in ending the first part of the exercise because everyone was having so much fun.  I really enjoyed being back in that space where anything was possible, everyone was happy and no one made any disparaging comments about my crazy ideas. 

 

That was the first step of the exercise.  For the second step, I asked them to imagine that they were back in the sand box again, only this time let’s put that same kind of childhood imagination to work on building their businesses as opposed to cars that can fly. Based on how well the first part had gone, I was sure we would go immediately into having a great time with this part.  To begin the process I stated, “My business has 50 people in it!”  Unfortunately there was silence after I opened the game.  It seemed that they had forgotten how to play in the ‘sand box’.   After I gave one or two more examples of what they could possibly say that would top my opening salvo, one of the participants declared, “My business has 200 people in it.”  Then someone added, “My business is international and I travel first class all of the time.”  Yeah, we were off and creating again.  Wrong.  We quickly ground to a halt. 

 

The adult fears had replaced the childlike enthusiasm even though we were back in the ‘sand box’.  We discussed fears for a few minutes then I pushed the group back into the game by saying, “My business has” and then I asked them to fill in the blank.  We were able to once again get back to that unfettered creative space with everyone laughing and topping what the previous person had created. 

 

The exercise was a success in many ways.  The most important one was for everyone to once again tap into the ease with which they were creative and imaginative as children.  Everyone in the teleclass recognized how quickly they reverted to the fear-driven adult life that they had learned to live. 

 

It is especially easy for women to get stuck in the adult fun-less version of the ‘sand box’ where your focus is on making everyone one else happy.  The ability to let go and create without fear of judgment gets lost over the years.  With the departure of creativity goes the ability to have fun at whatever you are doing.  

I encourage you to try the ‘sand box’ exercise with your colleagues or friends.  In case you are reluctant to lead the exercise, as a bonus for reading today’s post, I will facilitate the exercise once for free for the first ten readers that send me a request. 

 

A few years ago there was a book titled “Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten”.  I think I will write one titled “Everything I needed to Know I Learned in the Sand Box.”  That is your cue to exclaim, “I am going to write 5 books about the sand box!” 

 

And we are off and playing again.  I LOVE THE SANDBOX!!!

 

 

 

The other day in a coaching call a client, who is enthused about making changes in her life and the direction she is heading, said with a great deal of commitment in her voice, “I’ll try to do the assignment.” 

 

I explained that words have power and the use of the word “try” is a way our ego has of allowing us to slip back into life-controlling patterns that are fear based whenever we feel like it.  ‘Try’ is a word that opens the gates to mediocrity and living at less than your full potential.  Even though the client responded enthusiastically to doing the smile exercise, the word ‘try’ quickly overrode whatever energy was behind her commitment.  ‘Try’ is an indicator of weak commitment. 

 

This particular interchange has repeated itself many times over the years in my coaching calls.  When I inform my clients that they are saying ‘try’ frequently, most of them are not conscious how often they use it. ‘Try’ is not the only word or phrase that is used to avoid fully going for something.  Others are:

 

• Perhaps.
• I don’t know. 
• I will do it if (fill in the blank)
• Silence – saying nothing
• But,
• I can’t.
• I’ll think about it.
• I’ll check the kids’ schedule. 

 

What is your favorite word or phrase that allows you not to experience your life in all its radiant power?  Are you aware of how often you say it?  Are you aware of what happens to your energy when you say it? 

 

“I’ll try.” in any of its forms is an indicator of a fear-based life-controlling pattern that is operating inside of you.  Fear-based life-controlling patterns always prevent us from living our mission and vision.  Fear-based life-controlling patterns separate you from the real you.  Fear-based life-controlling patterns are learned and they cause you to feel defective.  You are not defective; you are just living the way you were taught. 

 

Words are clues as to what is happening inside of you.  Monitor your choice of words for the next week.  Notice how often you use self-limiting words.  When you realize you have used a self-limiting word or phrase, stop, start over again and use a word that generates energy and potential. 

Women have a wonderful capacity to be great leaders.  And, yes there is a glass ceiling through which you can smash.  If your listening to and/or reading the leadership gurus you will find it difficult to be a glass smashing, great leader, utilizing all of your potential. “Why?” you asked - because the leadership gurus are wrong.  They all focus on building your skill at collaborating with employees.  You are told that if only you pay attention to the development of the employee you will be a better leader.  That is a true statement; however, it is not where you start to build your leadership ability.  Leadership doesn’t start with an external focus; it starts with building your own internal foundation! 

 

Great leaders all have one thing in common.  They know exactly who they are and where they want to go.  They have mastered their self doubts and fears about what others will think of them.  Effective leaders are never ‘victims’. 

 

We all have life controlling patterns stored in our subconscious.  Based on my years of experience in coaching female executives and entrepreneurs it is highly probable that women have powerful life controlling patterns that are rooted in putting others first.  There is never enough time for you to find out who you really are – you are too busy doing more than your share at work and at home.  Speaking up and expressing your ideas, you were told, is not something that nice women do. 

 

If your goal is to be an effective and great leader, then take time to determine the mission for your life, a vision of how you want to get there, own your talents and use them toward accomplishing your goals that are in alignment with your mission.  Without the inner core of a personal mission, clear vision and ownership of your talents, collaboration becomes another word for dysfunctional nurturing and hiding your opinions. 

 

If your mission and vision are not written and in plain sight for you to see frequently, then they don’t count.  If you can’t repeat your mission at gunpoint then it has not become a part of who you are and it will always be easy to slip back into being the super-caretaker.  If you can’t boldly proclaim what your talent is and declare your value to your employer and/or family, then you are in hiding.  The world needs you, come out of hiding. 

 

Is that the tinkling of broken glass I hear? 

When I ask clients what they really, really, really want in their lives, I frequently hear the following phrases:

·         I think that I probably want to ….

·         I should be doing this because…..

·         If I had more money I would….

·         If I were younger I would…..

 

What do all of these partial statements have in common?

a)    They are excuses.

b)    They are indicators of fear.

c)    They are what you believe to be true.

d)    They demonstrate a lack of clarity on what you really want?

 

If you said, and I know that you did, they all have a,b,c,and d in common, you are right.   Even though I have been hired as a coach to help people make a change, many, if not most, don’t really know what they want.  Or if they do know the goal, it changes a short ways into the coaching process.  Before you accuse me of blaming my clients for not knowing what they want, let me say that I am not blaming anyone.  Knowing exactly what the ‘big change’ is takes a lot time and energy, not to mention self development know-how.  Only a small percentage of people were taught early in life to find out what they really, really, really want in life and how to achieve it.  If you were never taught this, how can you expect to be an expert in creating a ‘big change’ life?  What most of us have been taught between the ages of 0 and 2 are whole bunch of fear based life patterns that result in a ‘no change’ life.  Fear based lives are like driving an automobile with a fogged up windshield, it is very difficult to see the road ahead.  And even though you know that you need to turn on the defroster, you can’t find it in the high tech world of computer operated cars.  Besides in today’s world, who has time to wait for things to be clear before you leave the driveway?

 

If you enter the “big change zone” without clarity you are doomed to wondering around aimlessly while your frustration grows as you fail to reach your destination.  Instituting changes, that lead to a more meaningful, joyful and abundant life, demands clarity on several different levels. 

 

In order to make the ‘Big Change’ you are seeking in your life, you need great clarity in at least two areas.  The first is the mission for your life.  Your mission statement describes the core concept for your life.  It is your reason for being here.  If you are still saying, “I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up!” it will be very difficult to make a ‘Big Change’ happen.  ‘Big Change’ is never easy, however it is more likely to occur when you are clear on who you want to be.  If you have spent any time coaching with me or in one of my classes, you know how important I believe mission statements are. (Right now, I hope my clients are reciting their mission statement to themselves.)  You are part of the way there once you have created your mission statement and memorized it so that you can say it at gunpoint.  Real clarity comes when you begin to take action to make your mission come true. 

 

The second area of clarity that ‘Big Change’ requires is  life patterns.  It is mandatory that you are aware of the fear based life patterns that are preventing you from taking bold action and then creating love based life patterns that support your ‘Big Change’.  Combining your mission statement with power of love based life patterns to support your mission create a higher level of energy and thus commitment to make the ‘big change’. 

 

Not long ago I had a client who was in a lot of emotional and spiritual pain.  She had no mission statement, operated from fear based patterns most of the time and on every coaching call she wanted to focus on something different.  First it was to find a job, then it was to be a leader in a service organization, then it was to be a writer, then it was ….. All along the way we kept clarifying life patterns and working on her mission statement.  Slowly clarity developed.  The emotional and spiritual pain has been replaced with a feeling of joy, a clear direction for her career and new power and joy in her writing. 

 

When you enter the “Big Change Zone” be prepared to spend more than 30 minutes getting to the answer. 

 

Are you ready to turn on your defroster and put this level of work into your ‘big change’? 

 

As an executive coach and consultant, I see how critical it is for each of us to operate more strategically in all aspects of our lives - in business and at home. Women are natural leaders in this way; through our natural affinity for others - listening and building relationships that encourage others to think with a bigger picture in mind and operate more out of the box. Given the increasing need for the competence of thinking strategically to stay competitive in a changing world, what can you can do to set up the environment around you for strategic thinking and innovation?

 Lead with a question. Whenever possible, use a question to initiate a strategic discussion. Doing so will promote dialogue through invitation, not imposition. Questions such as:  Can you tell me more about what’s going on there? Can you recommend someone with whom I can speak about this so that I can learn first-hand what’s going on? How might this be significant for our part of the business?

 Listen and let the person know you’ve heard.  Demonstrate your willingness to listen with respect and to understand the other person’s perspective on the issue at hand. Work hard to understand the other person’s line of reasoning and make it visible for both of you to examine. 

Answer their need first, then raise the level. People need you to engage with the issue they have in front of them and at their level of attention. Do so, unless you judge that addressing the issue at their level is fundamentally flawed.  In most cases, however, you will be able to address the issue in parallel, using empathy to address the level of thinking you see is at play, while simultaneously drawing attention to the need to examine the larger issues as well.

Acknowledge the difficulty. Let the other person know that you recognize the difficulty of addressing the issues and dimensions of the situation.

Sell the benefits of engaging at a more strategic level. At the same time as you recognize the difficulties, clarify the importance of addressing the more strategic dimensions of the situation. For instance, point out the reduction in costs and the efficiencies to be gained, identify down-the-line issues that will threaten a project’s timeline, note historical instances of “quick fixes” that were costly in the long run, and identify the benefits of seizing larger opportunities.

Bottom line, each of us can learn and lead those behaviors which drive and sustain more strategic thinking and innovation.  And, given our ongoing need to adapt and thrive within a changing world, every leader…each of us....must look at how to invite thinking with the bigger picture in mind, which balances past success with evolving demands.  

Warmly,

Andrea Zintz, Ph.D.

Strategic Leadership Resources LLC

Shaping the Future!

How to prepare? It's best to really define the major accomplishments that you had in any previous job, internships included. If you don't have a lot of job experience, it may only be a couple of things, but quantify it. It doesn't have to be numbers, but it might be some kind of recognition or other proof of impact. Go as far and deep as possible. Be prepared to say how the experience was really good for the organization you were working for. 

When you’re sitting outside the interview, mentally prepare while sitting there in an outfit that makes you feel great. Your resume should be a document that you can look at in final preparation two minutes before the interview. Be prepared for the questions you'll be asked and the information the interviewer will need.

In the interview, follow the interviewer’s lead until you start to get a feeling that the interviewer is comfortable with the conversation, since then the interviewer is more willing to give you an opportunity for dialogue. You build a partnership not by just answering questions, but by eventually leading that conversation toward dialogue.

When you get the sense that the interviewer is totally comfortable you can start to ask questions that will give you the information you need to see it this is a good fit for you, but watch out - in the first interview, the interviewer is in “buy” mode and you’re in “sell” mode. You have to be very careful that you don’t start going into “buy” mode if this first interview is a screening interview. It's all about feeling your way and the longer you give the company to fall in love with you in the beginning, the more leverage you’re going to have on the back-end to ask your questions. If the interviewer really likes you, you can usually tell and you can create your opportunity.

Be careful in the first interview. You may have 15 questions, but only have an opportunity to ask one or two. The more you do your job in the sell phase so they fall in love with you — in a business sense — the more they’re going to give you an opportunity to address your agenda later on.

Good luck!!

Warmly,

Andrea Zintz, Ph.D.

Strategic Leadership Resources

Shaping the Future!