Do you ever feel like you’re constantly being blamed? Or that everyone acts like you would be better gone?
Scapegoating is a form of verbal abuse that can have devastating consequences on a child’s personality and development. The scapegoat is often blamed for everything that’s wrong in a family or group, leaving them feeling isolated and unsupported. Growing up as the targeted scapegoat in a family can result in a thick emotional hide that can dog the individual into adulthood.
“I honestly believed every word my mother and siblings said about me until I went into therapy at a friend’s suggestion when I was 30. I blamed myself for everything and couldn’t take credit or feel pride in anything. When something good happened, I thought it was a fluke. When someone liked me, I doubted it. When something went wrong, I knew I’d made it happen because I was flawed and deficient,” said an unidentified daughter who was the scapegoat for her family.
However, of all the children growing up with verbally abusive parents, the scapegoated child is more likely to come to terms with and recognize the toxic patterns of the family dynamic. They are more likely to seek help healing from these patterns and their effects than their siblings who have bought into the family story. The scapegoat is often the only child in the family who has a shot at being able to have healthy and sustaining relationships once they have sought help.
Another child who suffered being his family’s scapegoat attributed his success later on in life to the abuse he suffered. “My father and my brothers were bullies and while being bullied was no fun, I was a big kid and able to defend myself. But, mainly, I didn’t want to be them or be like them and that was firmly fixed in my head early. I was the first college grad and then went to medical school. None of that was accidental. I haven’t spoken to any of them in years.”
Scapegoating can be seen on larger and smaller scales, where a group of people deems one person or group as the reason for suffering, and believes that life would improve for the rest of them if that person or group was gone. This can have devastating consequences on the individual being scapegoated, leaving them feeling like they would be better off not being around.
While being a scapegoat is a specific form of verbal abuse, it is important to recognize that verbal abuse occurs in society on every level, including the family. Understanding the dynamics of a toxic family can help individuals seek help and healing, and break free from the patterns and effects of verbal abuse.
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