Orna and Matthew Walters are dating coaches and founders of Creating Love On Purpose®. In preparation for their new book, Getting It Right This Time, which will be on shelves early 2025, we got the chance to sit down with them and find out what makes their approach to finding love so special.
Q: What are the most common relationship patterns that hold people back?
Orna: One of the biggest patterns that we see for people is that they don’t realize how their belief system shapes the world around them. Even though as we grow up our beliefs are changing all the time, by the time you get to the age where you’re dating and mating and getting married and having kids, we forget that we have the opportunity to change our belief systems if they’re not really serving us.
Matthew: In terms of the more common beliefs and strategies that are blocking people, one of those is the belief that you have to sacrifice for love. That, in some way, you are not worthy of getting what you want, and the only way to get love is first to please your partner/other people in your life and hoping for reciprocation. One of the things we teach is how to fill your cup first.
Q: How do you see people navigating dating in an increasingly digital world?
M: The benefit of dating apps is that generally you can expect the people you’re meeting on a dating app are looking for a date or a relationship. It’s nice to have a place to go where everyone is on the same page. The drawback is that people are getting overwhelmed with the amount of choices they have, and getting pickier and pickier.
O: A dating app is a tool; if you don’t know how to use the tool, it’s not going to work very well for you. People end up feeling really isolated and alone in the digital world, and go online and to the apps to look for comfort. It’s like going to the market when you’re hungry: you’re going to make some bad choices. So, go to the apps when you’re feeling really good about yourself and see who you’re swiping for then.
Q: What are strategies for singles to continue choosing to love consciously every day?
O: The most important relationship you’re ever going to have is the one you have with yourself. Life is like a marathon; most people aren’t trying to win the race; they’re trying to reach their personal best. So, if you’re better today than yesterday, you’re doing great. The biggest block to love is judgement––if you’re really hard on yourself, you’re going to be really hard on a partner––so coming to terms with letting your best be good enough is key.
M: We always say you want to keep your head and heart together in harmony.
And you can’t set aside attraction and chemistry, but you shouldn’t make them the most important part of that equation. Instead, we talk about your ‘terms’ for love: take some time to sit down and think about how you want your relationship to function, what you want the qualities to be, and how you picture the dynamic of your relationship. That’s the really important part.
And the other to preorder the book: https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/759672/getting-it-right-this-time-by-orna-walters-and-matthew-walters/
