Myth
When I feel criticized, I react defensively and I can’t be objective.
Truth
I have the ability to discriminate, take what fits, and leave the rest.
Many people don’t like confrontation, so telling you what you’re doing right is easier for them than explaining what you’re doing wrong. But if no one speaks honestly to you, how will you know what’s getting in the way of your moving up?
Feedback tells us how we are really being perceived, so if we are not getting it, we need to ask for it. Although it may not be easy to hear, once we get it we can take what fits, make the necessary adjustments, and discard what doesn’t. What we don’t know can hurt us.
Offering negative feedback can be difficult for both sexes. For women in particular, the notion of playing nice can get in the way of being truthful about what we see and saying what needs to be done for someone to improve. We need to get over this mindset and provide direction that’s simple and to the point. Consider the scenarios below. Would you hold yourself back, or use honest feedback to make an impact?
The Scenario…
You receive some unexpected feedback from your boss. He is disappointed in the way you handled an account.
If you hold yourself back…
You are surprised and start to get defensive. You try to explain yourself without listening to the rest of his comments, which annoys him.
Win with honest feedback!
While you can feel yourself getting defensive, you pause before you say something you’ll regret. Some of his feedback may be beneficial, and what isn’t helpful you can discard later on.
The Scenario…
Someone you supervise is coming in late and leaving early on a regular basis. You know you need to talk with her and the conversation will be difficult.
If you hold yourself back…
You talk around the issue because you don’t want to hurt her feelings. Nothing changes.
Win with honest feedback!
You are direct and speak concisely. You’ve role-played the situation with a friend to make sure you are prepared for your staff member’s reaction—good or bad.
The Scenario…
You overhear your manager talking about a situation you handled poorly. You have not discussed the incident with him yet.
If you hold yourself back…
You avoid bringing the situation up and hope he does as well. You know what went wrong, and you’re feeling bad about it.
Win with honest feedback!
You address the situation as soon as you can with him, getting his take on how it could have been handled better. You thank him for his candor.
Adapted from The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It, by Helene Lerner, Berrett-Koehler Publishers, 2015.
When giving feedback, be calm, clear, and direct.
If you’re trying to help someone improve, be specific about what he could do better and give an example. Say “Try doing this…”
not, “Stop doing that…” Be compassionate. Think about how he will likely feel.
